When holiday plans begin caregivers find themselves in a bind, caught between hopeful promise of a festive time with loved ones and the continuing needs of care. Will respite for every day caregivers result from the gathering of siblings? Will the visitors find the comfort of family traditions and connections still intact? Each version of caregiver will confront the expectations and actions of the others.
Expectations to maintain traditions can wear on family members overwhelmed by changes in health and living situations. Mom and Dad look forward to the gathering of adult children and grandchildren but may be reluctant to admit the pace and effort of festivities can be exhausting. Caregiver siblings who manage routines to keep Mom’s mood and behavior becoming problematic or the car keys away from Dad are apprehensive. Brother and his family who are looking to renew connections and repeat past holiday memories may be shocked by the physical and mental changes that are no longer under wraps.
Protesting everyday caregivers can seem like killjoys and the visiting comfort seekers who impose changes can seem overbearing and clueless. While Mom and Dad are happy to see everyone, who can perceive the reality of the situation better?
It’s difficult to be objective during a time of high emotions on both sides. Visitors beware of being the “new broom” who sweeps clean. Taking stock of the situation from all angles is the way to really look and listen. Everyday caregivers, viewing the situation of loved ones through the eyes of visitors can shift perspective. Visitors need to understand and appreciate the onsite workload each individual caregiver carries. What everyday caregivers may not notice is more noticeable to the visitor who may be comparing the present to the memory of 6 months or a year ago.
First be a witness: notice how Mom or Dad may be struggling in the assisted living or on their own at home. Are the hired caregiving team meeting the specified needs? Do your everyday caregiver family members show signs of fatigue, stress, and anxiety or depression?
In the first flush of arrival the family dynamics start flying. Old roles vie for center stage. Can all caregivers work together? Being open to discussion of issues is essential to good caregiver relations. Regular communication on care needs can help everyone be heard. When family care meets family dynamics good humor and the spirit of cooperation may be in short supply. Management of your loved one’s needs should take precedence over who gets their own way. Mom isn’t a toy to tussle over.
In our book For Grief’s Sake: The Resilient Caregiver Caring and Coping Well we address long distance caregiving and caregiver roles from the family perspective in Part One chapter two Caring Well, in Part Two Chapter 4, and through all the Phases of Caregiving. Be alert for changes in caregiving needs and learn to accept the modifications and adjustments needed as caregiving progresses. We suggest understanding your own position in the family dynamics, identifying your triggers, and consulting a family therapist for further insight. Family group sessions may help caregivers work together. For persistent issues a geriatric care manager can help identify care options. And know your loved one’s local resources for Adult Protective Services and the Elder Abuse Hotline
To preserve cordial relations Long-distance Caregivers, proceed gently with your everyday caregivers. Do point out any issues and help local family members problem-solve rather than berating them. Local caregivers, recognize all family who want to help have something to contribute, even those who can’t be close by. When everyone makes the effort to remain calm, they can manage care together for the sake of a loved one’s harmonious living arrangements.
Avoid post-holiday letdown. Being proactive is a positive attitude. Negotiating solutions may require patience and perseverance. It’s worth the effort to anticipate needs and make plans for your loved one’s care. A very insightful article: “Home for Thanksgiving” written by expert on home modifications for independent living, Louis Tenenbaum, in Aging in America News raises some family caregiver issues with a fresh spin. The “new broom” who summons a home remodeler over the holidays to impose a new order may cause chaos. The appearance of a home remodeling professional injects a third-party voice into the conversation and one which nobody may welcome, including the remodeler who is placed in an awkward position of referee.
©November 2025 https://www.clairemauro.com
“Caregivers: Be Realistic, Think Positive.” American Heart Association. https://www.heart.org/en/health-topics/caregiver-support/caregivers-be-realistic-think-positive
Family Caregiver Alliance. https://www.caregiver.org/connecting-caregivers/services-by-state/
Mauro, C. and Simoni, D. For Grief’s Sake: The Resilient Caregiver Caring and Coping Well. Amazon. 2024
Tenenbaum, Louis. “Home for Thanksgiving.” Observations of Newly Minted Old Person. Aging in America News. https://aginginamerica.news/2025/11/24/home-for-thanksgiving/
“Understanding and Reporting Elder Abuse.” ReGenerations. https://regenaging.org/report-abuse