“Can’t win for losing.” What began as a sports metaphor in the 1920s signifying the inability to win when the stakes were highest, is resonant today in the context of caregiving. (Stack Exchange) Even when you “do everything right,” respond to every need, and rise to address every downturn your care partner faces, your efforts may not be enough to stave off the advance of disease or the loss of life.
Loss is a negative in a culture of winning. Celebrating a positive outcome is de rigueur and, as a necessary obligation, we inform others of our “wins” through social media. We bury our losses, don’t we?
In charitable giving circles where volunteer supporters are often publicly celebrated and thanked, this empowering act encourages continued efforts. Yet successful family caregiving is often seen as less than worthy of acknowledgement and caregivers feel less valued by society. (APA News)
Many caregivers who actively support a loved one who is suffering and diminishing in stature and presence may feel forgotten by friends and left out of society. From the outside the burden of care may appear as evidence of losing out as we age; it is painful to see. But caregiving is in the eye of the beholder and for caregivers it is a burden taken on willingly, a labor of love. Something they cannot turn away from.
When we show up as caregivers and air the effort, we remind others of their human frailty and ultimate demise. Instead of “taking your eye off the ball,” another sports metaphor that indicates attention deficit that leads to loss, caregivers are honing their attention and profiting from the experience.
Don’t we learn from both our wins and our losses?
In our book For Grief’s Sake: The Resilient Caregiver Caring and Coping Well, Diane and I discuss how the changes we see in our loved ones are losses both to them and to us. Whether due to a sudden medical onset or gradual changes that become too large to ignore, no one is ever completely ready for role of caregiver when it is thrust upon them. Choosing to take it on, to step in and help, in whatever form you feel equipped to act, is a clear-eyed approach to our own mortality. We feel the loss and we grieve. For many the feeling of grief is reserved for the final passing of life. But in fact, grief describes our emotions in response to loss, and that includes a wide range of losses from mundane to profound. Understanding grief can have powerful effect on how we live life.
Our book contains a “gem” of wisdom expressing the focus of each chapter for caregivers who are grieving. Here is the gem of chapter 1: Grief – Your Grief Work and Loss History
*As a caregiver who fills in the voids, you share in the pain of your loved ones’ losses*
When we see the older adults around us falter how do we respond? I hope we remember those times we ourselves have faltered, when life has handed us losses and demanded acceptance. Kindness and compassion can help us face our losses and even learn from them. Accepting our losses alongside our grief leads to the ability to connect with other caregivers with new resolve (National Family caregiver support), to a join in with an advocacy group funding research (ex., The Alzheimer’s Association), or to rally for support and change for those who cannot speak for themselves (MADD: Mothers Against Drunk Driving.)
Can losses teach us how to harness the wisdom of aging?
Life experience is cumulative. Reflecting on both wins and losses in our lives allows us to understand our own growth over time and recognize the opportunities for new meaning and purpose. Wise elders have much to offer. And all labels considered, as a storyteller recently told me, being a wiser elder encompasses a wider perspective.
As the current culture goes hard on winning, and othering, the parsing of aging into those winning at wellness and frail elders losing is a divide too far. Already we see the dichotomy of concierge over 50 communities and understaffed poorly funded nursing homes. These nursing homes are often the best resort for struggling families to find care for their loved ones. The lack of staff, proper safety accommodations, and insufficient oversight increases their loved ones’ vulnerability rather than providing protection.
Is there a wise path for caregiving for all our loved ones?
July/August 2025 ©clairemauro.com
References
APA News. “Unpaid Caregiving is Undervalued by Society.” APA. 2024.
https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2024/10/unpaid-caregiving-undervalued
Alzheimer’s Association. Help Fight Alzheimers. https://donorservices.alz.org/
Mauro, C and Simoni, D., For Grief’s Sake: The Resilient Caregiver Caring and Coping Well. Amazon. 2024.
Laughlin, Jason, et al. Deadly fire prompts scrutiny of assisted living homes that serve lower income adults. The Boston Globe. July 16, 2025.
Mothers Against Drunk Driving. 45th Anniversary. September 9, 2025. https://madd.org/45th/
National family caregiver support program
https://acl.gov/programs/support-caregivers/national-family-caregiver-support-program
Rossheim, John. “Concierge medicine means better access to doctors for patients who pay but disrupts care for many.” Healthwatch. CBS News. June 21, 2024.
Stack Exchange. English Language and Usage.