AUDIO // In this episode Claire speaks about how caregiving for another, could either infringe on or bring new light to your self-care.
What’s your first reaction when you hear or read “Caregivers need to make time for self-care” ?
How about: “My priority is giving care right now”
“Make time? Who has personal time?”
“Self-care, what is that anyway?
Or “I know I should, I’m just too busy”
“Ah this person really cares about ME!”
“So true, I don’t know what I’d do without my daily walk”
The stories we tell ourselves are powerful and they can be supportive in a variety of ways, both positive and negative.
When you’re in a position of family caregiving the stream of duties is endless. Each new day has the potential to bring new and additional circumstances that require your attention.
If you thought, My priority is giving care right now
Habits of daily living common to all of us are exactly that, habits. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? What’s the first thing your care recipient does? Each of you has automatic habits upon waking and readying yourself for the day ahead. As a caregiver, you are in charge of deciding which set of needs come first. When you’ve shifted your habits to respond first to others you might at first feel frustrated by self-neglect, and then become habituated to it. You don’t expect to have your tea first thing, you make breakfast for your mother or take her for a wash instead. You’ve set a priority and take action to meet that priority, and that’s a positive outcome.
If you thought, Make time? Who has personal time?
Putting others first can become part of how you define yourself as a caregiver, and it may be both a source of pride and stress. Responding with sarcasm or defeat can reflect a sense of confinement and the negative connotation can erode your sense of wellbeing. As wellbeing goes downhill other diminishing thoughts come to the front. Anger can become a habit too and that’s debilitating for you and those around you.
On the other hand, if the thought has a tinge of humor attached to it you can counter the downward trend by shoring up your positive thinking – “Well I did have my coffee and go to the bathroom, it was a good day.”
If you thought, Self-Care, what is that anyway?
Your coworker is trying to be helpful and you just don’t see it that way. Advice is often freely given without any sense of practical application. The elements of self-care depend a lot on who’s suggesting it and what the priority is – daily personal care, medical care or exercise. You’re already incorporating prioritizing into your caregiving for another. Supporting your own health at the physical mental and emotional levels is an individual practice, with actions tailored to your needs. A healthcare advisor can help you sort out some of the actions suited to your medical status, and leave other actions up to you. When you’ve put aside your own priorities for a while it can be hard to automatically identify them. Recognizing that fact can be illuminating and also frustrating and a bit frightening. You will need to identify the practices for you in the light of current circumstances. Talking it over with a trusted friend or coach may be the best way to get started.
If you thought, I know I should, I’m just too busy
Yes, you just identified a defining circumstance of caregiving. It can become all-consuming. Caregiving is a way of life whether you are a professional caregiver, a primary caregiver with a home of your own or a long-distance caregiver, and especially when you are living together. The physical demands of care and the mental stress of factoring in unexpected or new and evolving circumstances is beyond busyness. It’s habitual stress. Compound that x 100% during a pandemic. Added family worries strain whatever gains you’ve made to cope with caregiving. The uncertainty of life in a pandemic and within caregiving together erode established coping strategies. On the one hand, the situation will shift eventually, on the other hand no one can say when or what losses you may experience.
When you’re used to focusing and adapting with a goal in mind you’re engaged in new learning and creating change of habits. Acute stress can shift us back from our goals to less positive habits Studies show acute stress impairs memory, impacting both caregiver and care recipient.
As a caregiver you’re managing the best you can and that may not seem up to some former standard. Control is elusive and some days you feel the full impact of uncertainty. When this occurs, you need to reorient yourself to the basics of your known world. You need to feel grounded in order to regain a healthier perspective. Yup, that’s hard.
If you thought, Ah this person really cares about ME
You’re dedicated to your role and you recognize you need self-care to keep yourself going. Recognition of your effort and dedication to your loved one is gratifying and helps sustain you. You recognize you can turn to this person who is reaching out to you for support when you feel like you’re burning out in your role.
If you have a hard time getting to this place you may be in compassion fatigue. If you can shift just one aspect of your coping, the most powerful thing may be what you tell yourself. That annoying cousin who keeps harping on your self-care? Stop and ask, what does s/he do for self-care? Really quiz her/him on it. Listen with your full focus. Not only may s/he stop harping, you may get some tips or find solidarity to keep each other on track. Would s/he really be trying to annoy you? You’re worthy of empathy and the care of others.
If you thought, So true, I don’t know what I’d do without my daily walk
Focus on the positive. If this is you, you want to help yourself cope. And you probably already have the seeds of a self-care practice. What does your best caregiving day look like? That best day likely includes the balance you’re seeking. You are doing your best for your loved one. Enlist the help of your loved one/s when at all possible. One for you and one for me works at the table during mealtime, can you also use it for an exercise break? And don’t rule out help. That annoying cousin? Ask if s/he will take over for a bit so you can get a rest.