Keeping Friendships Together While Caregiving

AUDIO // In this episode Claire speaks about isolation and retaining friendships as a caregiver or as someone with a full schedule.

I understand that in the course of your caregiving day-to-day responsibilities there’s barely time for you to stop and think your own thoughts, much less participate in a conversation. When you’re busy organizing the care of an older adult loved one and responding to immediate needs, how can you make time for friends?

Late in the evening– if you’re not already asleep yourself– do you feel lonely? Do your thoughts go to the friendships that used to be part of our day? Remember meeting a friend for coffee during breaktime on the job, instead of using the time to schedule Mom’s doctor appts? What about stopping by for a quick catch up on the way home from work or grabbing a bite together and heading to movie?

You can maintain friendships while caregiving and do a good job for you loved one at the same time. The basis of friendship is care too. When you’re overloaded with the care tasks for an older adult family member it might seem overwhelming. You can manage if you have a few guidelines.

1. Be clear about what you can do.
   Express your desire to share what time and attention you have with them. Reassure friends of your interest in their lives. You are still the same person. There’s no need to draw comparisons to your current situation. If you enjoy their company you can take part in activities, so long as they understand it might not be as often or you may have to cut a visit short. Use this caregiving time to think about what you really want from friendship and how you see it fitting into your life generally. What other relationships are you balancing at this time and in the future? List your priorities in order of importance. Where does friendship fall? Do you need to make adjustments?
2. Give Yourself Time to be with Friends
   Caregiving has changed your life for the time being. It won’t be forever, in fact it won’t be exactly the same every day that it lasts, either. Likely you don’t have an idea of how long that will be though, so don’t put your life on hold. Make the time to be with friends, especially the ones who can accept some changes to how you conduct friendship. If you can’t get away from home, invite friends in, either virtually or in a manageable way. Clear a space in your home to talk in and ignore the rest of your surroundings with its signs of caregiving. Do you prefer one-to-one conversations, or the energy of several voices chatting together? Extend your invitation in the way you are the most comfortable and hope they understand. Making yourself available to friends is part of the give and take of friendship.
3. Shift Your Mindset to Open
   While visiting with a friend, resolve to not bring up caregiving or your loved one. Focus on the person in front of you as best you can. In the same way you used to say, “let’s not talk about work” you can ask to hear all about your friend’s current activities. Look at it as an opportunity
   for mental travel, a trip into another world. Move the conversation onto a shared interest you can pursue under the circumstances. By doing so you can introduce a plan to move your relationship forward in new ways that fit into your caregiving routine. Take an online class or play an online game together, cook the same recipe, read the same book or watch the same movie. Rather than contrast your present life circumstances, forge new common ground to share.
4. Make the Contact Now
   If you start to think about it, you miss your friends and wonder what happened. Will you pick up the phone and call? Loneliness can influence your motivation to do the very thing that will help. Is it overwhelming to consider what to say to a friend after time has passed? Do you wonder what you have in common now or how they can understand what your caregiving day is like? Second-guessing your actions is a quick route to avoiding changes that can be good for you. Recognize there will never be a better time than now to make the call or send the text. Keep the message short. Make it a thinking of you, what did you have for dinner kind of message. By asking a random question to reestablish the connection of friendship between you, you’ll start a fresh interaction.

We all thrive when we’re moving forward and growing, sharing our experiences with others. You can be a guide to friends and display the balance of care for others and for yourself you would wish for them. Responsibilities in life will ebb and flow and if caregiving is demanding on your time right now, be honest about it. Ask friends to stick with you even if you have to opt out of activities.